Whole and Broken
by gythia
Summary: Loki goes spirit walking from the cave and encounters Odin who is also spirit walking. This is an outtake from my novel in progress, Some Say Fire. It is self-referential in that it mentions in passing that they inspire writers, and that a writer can turn her problems over to her higher power by making Loki feel her feelings or experience her issues, which is what I am doing here.


Author's note: This is an outtake from my novel in progress Some Say Fire. I'm not sure if this is really an outtake or if it's going to be left in, but this is the scene I wrote when I hit the 300,000 word mark and I wanted to share it.

Loki found himself called to the same place on the same point of the year, over and over. The place was a windswept coastline of scrub trees, waves crashing against black rocks, and a foggy beach in a little protected cove. Humans in a mix of early and late Midgard attire gathered around a campfire. They were honoring him by telling jokes, and when the pine sap popped in the fire, they said his name and they smiled.

He smiled, too. He became aware that other gods were spirit-walking, too, being called to this place to be honored as well, on slightly different days and hours. He did not wait to be called the next year, but showed up all on his own, and basked in the warmth of the fire they built for their own pleasure, which they called his name around as they laughed in the chill of the morning. The humans honored them all in their main sumbel, their toasting ceremony, and Loki was delighted to see some of his old friends again, even though none of them were in their physical bodies and it appeared they could not see each other or him, appearing separately. Most of those who were toasted did not appear, but just received the sacrifices wherever they happened to be, in whatever world their bodies happened to be in, but a few of them appeared in spirit form to bless their personal favorites.

He came again and again, and then one year, people dressed in that odd combination of late Midgard clothes and reproduction Viking garb were there again, honoring the gods again, but no one was saying his name. He was puzzled. He went forward to the future, and eventually found a small subgroup of people from this larger gathering honoring him in a place apart, a little ve—a little sacred enclosure—just for him. But he was apparently no longer welcome in the main ritual space, and they did not tell jokes around the campfire to honor him on his day of the year, and he was angry. He did not want to be angry at the people right in front of him, because they were trying to honor him, but he was angry at everyone else. Then, because he was trying to suppress that feeling, it turned into sadness.

How did this happen? When the ritual participants drifted off, he followed them and listened to them talking to the larger group. Someone identified himself as a newbie and asked how to get to know the gods, and someone else told him to read the Eddas.

What? So that was how they all came to hate him so much. He tried to speak out loud for anyone who could hear him, and he felt arms around him from behind, and then another spirit-walking form merged with his, and he heard words come from him that expressed what he felt but was not the way he would have said it at all, and the voice was deep and rough, not like his own voice. "If you would know stories about the gods, read literature. If you would know the gods, experience the gods directly."

It was Odin's voice, and for a moment Loki was afraid. His physical form was still bound in the cave, and he was afraid Odin would not like the fact that Loki had found this way to escape temporarily. But then he felt the pure, intense love radiating through him, and he knew: Odin was here to comfort him.

None of the humans had heard the two of them speak with one voice, and none heard their conversation, either. "Of course I know you spirit-walk when you are called. We've been called together before, remember?"

"Yes. But I wasn't exactly called this time. I was just called so many times in this place and time of year that the opening of this ritual space made a place for me."

"Yes. I am not going to keep you from spirit-walking. I could not, without damaging your soul, and that would damage me too. Nor would I want to. I am glad you are still willing to give your blessings to the humans despite everything. They need you as much as ever."

"They hate me. They fear me. They take my blessings for granted and exclude me from their holy places."

"I love you."

The truth of that love was undeniable. It pervaded him. Their spirit bodies occupied the same space, their energy swirling around each other's, and he could feel that love like sunshine on skin—a feeling he had not had in physical reality since he was bound in the cave. "You have a strange way of showing it," Loki whimpered.

"You know as well as I that was inevitable."

"From in here, I can see that you believe it to be unchangeable, but I don't understand. I don't know as well as you."

"Only because you would not let me share my wisdom. Even joined like this, we are still separate in some ways."

"Can we stay like this? Joined?"

"Of course, until it's time to go."

"Can't we stay like this forever? I feel complete for the first time since you initiated me."

"You know we have to return to our bodies eventually, or we'll die."

"So what? I don't want to go back there. Why did you do that to me? Why are you keeping me there?"

"You're keeping yourself there, at this point."

"No I'm not! I've tried and tried! I was even free once! You sent Thor to put me back—you sent Thor! How could you do that? He wanted to protect me."

"Brother, I can't explain. I could have shared my wisdom, but it's too late now. You'll understand in the end. I hope that will be soon. The worlds are ready for the next cycle now. Are you ready?"

"What?"

"It is time, Loki. Time to start Ragnarok."

"No. There is still summer in the world."

"Soon. I have foreseen it."

"Not yet."

"As you will. Let's go perform some blessings. Together."

"I would bask in your love as long as I can. But then I'll have to go back. Back to that hideous place."

"When you are ready, you will end it all."

"Not yet. Why can't I walk free in my body like I'm walking in spirit right now? You keep saying it's necessary, but you only think that because of the Prophecy. You are well-known for betraying your favorites, leading them into battle and then abandoning them on the field to die. Your Valkyries collect their souls and they are happy to go. But I'm not one of your human warriors. Couldn't you choose a different action?"

"My brother, my beloved, my soul, my self, you know I would spare us this suffering if we could. It is necessary. A necessary part of the way we reflect each other. Come now, let us go together, joined as we are, and choose what we can choose: to bless mortals, and give them our love and our messages and our gifts. As Lodhur we are now, three in one again, as pure as in the beginning."

"Until we resume our bodies."

"Yes, until then. But until then, let us do according to your philosophy, and live in this moment, for this moment is good."

He smiled, and three smiles smiled with him: Odin / Honir / Loki all smiled together. "Yes, my brother, my lover, this moment is good."

X

Days went by. Loki lost count of the number of different humans they had visited together. He blessed those who could not breathe with breath, which was Odin's power, while Odin just smiled and watched the process approvingly. Loki found a human in emotional pain, having been hurt in childhood, and inspired her to write—to write about him, and hand over her problems to her higher power by literally giving the same issues to the Loki character in her book. Loki let her pain reflect onto him. After what he had endured, it was nothing. Odin smiled. Loki felt the smile inside him. "Inspiring writers is your power, too," Loki said.

"Yes. But it is you who figured out how to use it to heal people."

"That's the thing? That's why this was necessary? I couldn't perform empathic healing until I had suffered too?"

"One thing among many. This has always been about creating the next world in a way that will make it go better than this one. That is an excellent side benefit, though."

"OK. I think I'm good with that. Let's do it again."

"You no longer need me to do that. You can do it on your own. We each must replenish our bodies now. Even gods must eat and drink."

"No. Please. You've shown me what it's like to be whole. Don't make me go back. It will break me."

"I know." Odin's voice was kind, and there was a gentle hand on his face as Odin separated himself from Loki again. "That is my intent. It is necessary. I am sorry."

Then Loki plunged back into darkness. "No!" his wail turned into real sound waves as he re-entered his body. He was alone. Bound. With his son's corpse. In the dark.

At least this time there was no snake above him. But no Sigyn either. Thor's servants would no doubt come to feed him in time, but for now, he was alone. The loneliness crushed his heart. It crushed his soul.

Betrayed again. Abandoned again.

He wept. He should hate Odin. He loved him. He was angry at him, and he grieved for that lost feeling of wholeness, but he would love him forever.

He tested his bonds, pulling with his hands, tentatively at first and then strongly. They held. Alone and vulnerable again. He hated that he could feel fresh hurt after all this time. He felt like a child again. Like a child betrayed by his brother.

Well, he could not save himself, but he could save others. He had always helped children, but now he could also help the same children later in life, if they were still in pain. Yes. He could do this. His brother had shown him how.

It was not yet time for Ragnarok. He did not want to destroy the worlds. He just wanted to help people. He wanted to make the things better, for the humans, because he loved him as all the Aesir did.

Someday, he knew, there would be no fixing anything better than it was before except by burning it all to the ground and starting over. But not yet.


End file.
